I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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