She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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