At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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