How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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