I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize