I am in a vortex of obligation.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
