It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
