That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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