I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
