you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
