hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
