Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
