I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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