bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My balls are so social today.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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