Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
