How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
