i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
