I wish i was in the wii world.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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