I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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