i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
