I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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