Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
