He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
