I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
