I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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