How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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