You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize