the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't deserve a penis
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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