I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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