just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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