That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
