they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
