I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
