Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
