Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
