Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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