i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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