so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize