That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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