I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
