I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize