I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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