census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
