Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
