Ambien. No doubt about it.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
