all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
