Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
