I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize