Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
