I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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