I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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