I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
