you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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