first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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