If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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