I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
