I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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