My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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