perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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