The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
